Still in many ways

2026: This post was originally written for/on my StillPain.com website, where the headings made thematic sense.

Still recovering from operations

The mastectomy and DIEP operation is still spitting stitches 2.5 years on. Every now and again, I get what looks to be a pimple, which then pushes out a tiny plastic thread. I’ve read on forums that it could be doing that for decades! So much for dissolvable stitches. 

I still have the dead fat lumps in the transplanted breast. These aren’t going away any time soon, and were in fact shattered into pieces by a mammogram last year (not looking forward to doing that again!) It’s almost time for my yearly freak-the-radiologist-out check-up. I’m secretly freaking out too, and will until I get the all-clear, like all cancer survivors.

Update 2026: The dead fat lumps in the left breast transplant are still painful and causing lymph drainage problems. The scars on the tummy are still causing problems and pain. But I still get an all-clear at each yearly mammo - let’s hope it continues. 

Still new (and old) health problems

New investigations revealed no (new) hernias, but the pain/occasional bulge still could be one through an old laparoscopic incision from the endometriosis operations. Nothing concrete on any tests though. Still bleeding every month from my bowel. Very occasionally twice. So I haven’t made it to menopause yet. I am not strange for wishing it would hurry up and stop the hormonal ups and downs!

Skin is still awful, ever since I stopped the prednisolone at the end of 2016. Demodex? Rosacea? Acne? Fungal skin infection? All of the above? Who knows. The dermatologists say to wash my face with soap, as if I haven’t tried that.

I’m reacting to everything and nothing, avoiding people and video calls. It sucks. It’s really itchy, stings and peels every few days, and I haven’t found anything much that helps. The dermatologists don’t.

Update 2026: Seems it may have been and still be a staph infection, impossible to get rid of becuase I’m immune compromised. Fucidin acid antibiotic cream is helping with the acne and infection marks on my face, but it waxes and wanes now with the adalimumab cycle.

Still incompetent health professionals

Also gave up on the dentists here ever making a mouth guard that doesn’t kill me. Hard acrylic doesn’t have the spring necessary to stop locked jaw muscles, and causes mega injuries to lips. Soft silicone contains latex, mouth blisters and peels.

So, ordered from a company in the States - they made me the perfect night guard using the same soft-ish ProForm material as my old one. Best for my combination of bruxism and enthesitis-arthritis. Dreading telling the dentists they were useless (again), so I’m avoiding my yearly check-up.

Still not saying no, often or loud enough

Last year, I burnt out from putting up with a toxic work environment for far too long. Which only got worse as soon as I handed in my 3 months’ (!) notice. Thankfully (sadly?) because I hadn’t had the chance to take any of my annual leave and had accrued a crazy amount of overtime, I was able to ‘go on holiday’ before I completely broke.

It’s taking a long time to recover, as anyone who has experienced burnout knows. 

Still working

Despite this, because I need money for medical treatments - I’m slowly taking on new clients, small translation and editing tasks, and taking each day, each week as it comes. I’ve definitely enjoyed getting back into academic writing through proofreading masters and PhD theses! 

But, I certainly have not enjoyed registering as a freelancer in Germany - the bureaucracy here has no understanding of what a writer/translator does. Veterinarians, lawyers, accountants and a few other odd professions can be freelancers, but not writers or translators or photographers or language teachers (they don’t fit neatly in any of the rather odd buckets). I still haven’t got through all that red tape yet - I’m looking at you, retirement system - and the monthly tax reporting truly sucks.

Update 2026: Has it really been so long now? The retirement system is still giving me grief, and most recently required all contracts from my former life in Australia so they could calculate my retirement age (it’s based on the years worked). Who keeps their original employment contracts for 35 years and through an international move or two?!

Still teaching

I started my Patreon and am having a blast releasing English teaching resources and connecting with other language teachers. I’ve published an in-depth VAT guide for freelancers in Germany there, partly to get my understanding straight, and also to pay it forward to any patrons who are also starting to freelance here.

This has more recently morphed to share my learning process as I pick up new skills and hobbies by the handful. If you like art, yarn crafts, music, videos, gardening or more, feel free to support me on Patreon for access to exclusive content.

Still learning

I’m slowly working through purchased courses and ebooks without spending much on new ones (although, today, I allowed myself to purchase one more course). I completed my first Inktober I’m picking up and running with new hobbies - knitting and painting - and already have two pairs of (oversized) socks. I’m hanging art on my walls.

Update 2026: With the rise of AI, most of my language students, of all ages, have turned to chatbots for their English learning needs - it’s always available, even if it is often incorrect and always destructive. I’m glad to have picked up many physical skills in spinning, weaving, knitting, sewing, cooking and gardening that I can focus on these and share the learning process, creative behind the scenes, and the finished projects on Patreon and in my Ko-fi shop.

Still finishing

During creativity sessions with friends last summer, I felt distinctly drawn to finishing my mountain of unfinished projects. This has had the side benefit of being able to begin a few new things in the space finishing left behind.

With a focus on finishing, I can avoid never-ending projects like ‘weight loss’ and ‘fitness’, and not beat myself up about it too much. I walk and exercise when I can. My weight jumps and loses 2kg every two weeks (thank you, hormones), but is otherwise stable. I am letting my new scales track it without me noticing. 

Update 2026: My weight has been creeping up over the years, with various inflammatory illnesses as well as advanced kidney disease, lung disease and lipedema severely hampering movement. It is what it is - as long as there are no drastic changes, the doctors are not worried.

Still too many medical appointments and therapies

Speaking of tracking … a high blood pressure crisis has put me on medication. Don’t ignore nasty, ongoing headaches, especially ones that give you pulsatile tinnitus and blurry vision. 

The doctor scared me with ‘what might have been’ had I not turned up there when I did. 190/140 is a bad blood pressure. I have some new tech that tracks that for me too, but I’m having a devil of a time finding the right medication and dosage to stabilise in a reasonable range.

Update 2026: Turns out the blood pressure spike was entirely from the kidney disease getting worse (systemic sclerosis), because of having to take ibuprofen for the arthritis when the incompetant and malicious rheumatologist Ekkehard Röther in Donaueschingen refused to prescribe my normal adalimumab. Since 2000, taking Jardiance (empaglifozin - a kidney stabiliser), along with a spaced max dose of candesartan has stabilised the blood pressure very well, and I’m back on adalimumab under the competent rheumatologist in Leipzig.

With regular lymph drainage/massage and physiotherapy, the worst of the arthritis has been kept at bay. Every now and again, a tendon in my foot, knee or hand inflames and gets impossible to deal with for a few days. Increasingly, the bursa in big joints are starting to get involved, but physio still helps for now. If (when) we move, I want to take stock and set up an exercise area, maybe with some equipment. And return to my good rheumy in Leizpig.

And more heat packs, and more warm socks - I’m so cold, all of the time!

Update 2026: So yeah - being so cold all the time = Reynaud’s and iron anaemia, which are common symptoms of systemic sclerosis (diagnosed by blood test in 2025), along with the kidney disease and other symptoms. These tricksy rare diseases.

Still struggling with PTSD

Mentally, I’m completely beat. Complex PTSD has reared its nasty head in three ways - abusive childhood memories; medical maltreatment and misdiagnoses and terrible doctors; and natural disasters (2009 fires in Victoria, 2008 Akita earthquake when I was in Sendai, and 2011 Fukushima disaster when I was teaching there).

I feel like I’m right there in Gippsland, because mum is in the middle of the fires. Only, I’m still jumping out of my skin every time I hear a siren or helicopter, even on the other side of the world.  It’s awfully stressful and impossible to focus when you are trying to check all the sites, all the social platforms for news (especially around Omeo).

Update 2026: At the start of the year, I finally got through the waiting list and into a two year therapy course with a psych who specialises in PTSD and chronic pain. Who also is comfortable speaking English. Very lucky. It’s hard work, but there are improvements. I now know how to EMDR to helicopter noises, sirens, cigarette/vape smoke, angry voices, and earthquakes (yup, we had a mild one here last month).

Still going

So… Still managing. Still dealing with old and new health stuff. Still keeping on keeping on.  Still dealing with lots of pain. But I’m also finding enjoyment, quiet, and stillness where I can.